by Nolan Liebert

I had a phonograph once and just one record. It was a very important record. Nobody liked to listen to it except me. It was a shark.

“Listen to this,” I’d say to my friends. I’d put the record on and turn the crank. Out of the horn would come the wet crack and silence of a shark being harpooned. It was followed by a riotous cheer, the zip of the cross-cut saw, the wet flopping of the headless shark, and the helpless struggle suddenly stopping.

“Turn it off,” they’d say. “Nobody wants to hear that.” Or, “We can’t dance to that.”

They didn’t understand. I didn’t want them to dance. I wanted them to listen. Instead, they left and slammed the door.

Know where you're going
Aristocrats-hat via Creative Commons

The recording continued, seemingly forgotten, for some timeā€”sailors shouting, the sound of wooden kegs being cracked, ale sloshing on the deck, laughter, singing. The shark was not in any of this, not from the beginning.
The sounds ended abruptly, much like the shark, but before the end, there were a few minutes of silence, like everyone had gone to bed. All you could hear was the ocean and the sound of the needle scratching the surface.


NolaNolan Liebert hails from the Black Hills where he lives with his wife and children in a house, not a covered wagon. His proximity to the Sanford Underground Research Facility feeds his obsession with dark matter, as his farmboy roots fed his obsession with plants, herbs, and alchemy. His literary experiments appear or are forthcoming in An Alphabet of Embers, Zetetic: A Record of Unusual Inquiry, and elsewhere. You can find him editing Pidgeonholes or on Twitter @nliebert.

Evergreen more than eversun
Mashthetics via Creative Commons

ā€œI guess that reputation you have of non-stop rain ainā€™t true, then?ā€ Gary asked the gaunt-looking cab driver.

ā€œWe get our share, true enough.ā€

ā€œNice day today, though,ā€ Gary remarked.

ā€œYep. Enjoy it while you can.ā€

ā€œI will.ā€ Gary was quiet for a few minutes. Then, ā€œAny suggestions?ā€

ā€œFor what?ā€

ā€œYou know, stuff to do. I just got in.ā€ It seemed a dumb thing to say, considering the cab had picked him up from the airport.

ā€œSpace Needle? Seen that?ā€

ā€œYeah,ā€ Gary said, leaning back, ā€œI seen that.ā€

ā€œLots of people go downtown. The very first Starbucks is there.ā€

ā€œNah, I donā€™t drink coffee.ā€

ā€œWell, itā€™s a great day. You could hit the water. Or the mountains. Beautiful scenery up here. Lots of green.ā€

Gary was quiet.

ā€œNot outdoorsy?ā€

ā€œNot really,ā€ Gary answered. ā€œBut I do like green.ā€

The cab driver fidgeted. Sweat beaded on his wrinkled forehead. ā€œGreenā€™s nice,ā€ he said.

ā€œYou got anything green,ā€ Gary paused, then added, ā€œFrankie? Maybe some gemstones?ā€

ā€œAh, crap,ā€ the cabbie said. ā€œCome on, man, I was gonna give them back. I swear.ā€

ā€œSure you were. Tell me where the case is and then pull over here.ā€

ā€œHere?ā€

ā€œRight here.ā€

Wells Fargo Tower_lg
Dystopos via Creative Commons

Wells Fargo Tower is not the tallest building in Alabama. But is is the tallest in Birmingham. I donā€™t work on the top floor, but I work near it and I can look out from my thirtieth story window at the rolling hills of the South and I know thereā€™s no other place Iā€™d rather be.

The hardest part of my job is not letting it change me. I take home a comfortable paycheck, but I earn more than that. Hereā€™s the thing about embezzlement: you donā€™t have to be smart to do it, you just need the stones to return to the scene of the crime five days a week and ask them to pay you for the privilege. Not that Iā€™m some kind of hillbilly idjit. You donā€™t siphon three million dollars from phony expense reports in under five years without some kind of plan.

But thereā€™s a part of me that wants more than the money. I want the life. Seersucker suits and adopted personality quirks. Charity lunches and political glad-handing. I want people to know Iā€™m rich, to feel it when they walk into my office. I want people to grovel.

For now, Iā€™ll wait.

Snow on the Gate
Paul Morgan via Creative Commons

Randy left cold Chicago with flashes of red and white pulsing in his aching mind. Sadie laughed at the trunk full of party favors, like something out of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. Six days into the stash and Randy stopped understanding the world as a place with rules and laws; not just the kind enforced by police but the kind enforced by cosmic forces or deities. He floated and spoke to creatures from other dimensions, he and Sadie made some kind of love in vats of marshmallow fluff and beds of shining light.

Something told him the red and white wasnā€™t Christmas. The half-memory, half-hallucination made him think of Santa Claus, but the shiver in his spine and the empty passenger seat where Sadie usually sat was less festive. He was coming up on Springfield and the snow was coming down. The snow was white, and fluffy, and it reminded him of something they might have fought about. The sky was gunmetal gray, and that reminded him of something, too.

The backfire from the truck brought back the sound of the gun in his hand, and the puzzle fit together. The cold, white snow. The red blood.

Miami Beach at night
Daniel LombraƱa GonzƔlez via Creative Commons

This place is full of weirdoes, and I fit right in. Kendra Corinth thought this as she stepped out onto the Miami boulevard. Warm summer nights werenā€™t her favorite, but streetlamps were her sunshine. Her powder blue hair caught the flash of an LED billboard. For a moment her pale face looked pink, like a cooked shrimp. The elaborate makeup on her eyes went beyond the extravagance of the club-hoppers, swirled and looping in intricate artistry from lashes to temple and down onto the slope of her cheek. She wore her clothes like she was daring everyone to stare. There were six knives and two guns hidden in the elaborate crooks and folds of her overlapping layers.

She bummed a light off a gawking tourist and picked his pocket while he leaned in. Around the corner, she tossed the cigarette aside. She didnā€™t smoke.

Fresh with cash, she set about her plan. She needed an uncooked salmon, large enough to hold a bowie knife and a delivery vanā€”preferably covered in graffiti. She also needed half a gallon of nail polish remover. As she broke the beauty supply window she thought, Yeah, my weird sunshine fits right in.

Welcome to Iowa
Jimmy Emerson via Creative Commons

Orchid made a call to a friend in Iowa, trying to keep the panic and unprofessional thoughts out of her voice. The friend hadnā€™t seen what she was looking for, but his casual reassurance that he would look into it settled Orchidā€™s nerves for a few hours. Usually she would be furiousā€”murderous. But the phone call from her bagman had sent her into a quiet panic. Had the runner simply taken off with the money, she could kill her way out of the situation. Hunt him down. Get it back. She believed him when he said it was stolen. Vanished. No way to track it down in time.

She still had to try to get Bashar back. He was running, but she didnā€™t hold that against him. She thought about running, too. The Eastern Europeans would be by in less than 24 hours looking for the money. They wouldnā€™t entertain excuses. Orchid didnā€™t fear most men, but she feared these guys.

ā€œJesse,ā€ she said into her Nextel.

Chirp. ā€œYeah, boss?ā€

ā€œYouā€™re in charge. I need to take off for a bit?ā€

Chirp. ā€œUm. Okay. How long?ā€

ā€œNot long. Just need to look for something.ā€ She paused. ā€œUp north. Iowa.ā€

Don't Mess with Texas
Nils Geylen via Creative Commons

Jennie Sherman believed that Texas was big for a reason. She wasnā€™t from the South, but she was so far removed from the North she didnā€™t remember it. The Lone Star State suited her because she was her own lone star, and she felt the land in her bones.

ā€œDonā€™t mess with Texas, and donā€™t mess with me,ā€ sheā€™d say with a silly-serious laugh. Jennie knew people thought she was overdoing it, but Texas was big to accommodate people with big personalities. At least, thatā€™s how she saw it. Thatā€™s why she fit in so well.

The job at the bank didnā€™t pay much. It seemed ironic. When the men in the ski masks and ten-gallon hats came in and asked her to fill the bag, she leaned over the counter.

ā€œIf you take me with you, Iā€™ll show you where the gold is,ā€ she whispered.

ā€œGold?ā€ the man whispered back. She imagined he was handsome underneath the wool.

ā€œLot of it,ā€ she said with a wink.

Everything in Texas was bigger. So if you were going to commit a robbery in Texas, Jennie thought, might as well make it a big one.

Young America, Minnesota
MoxyJane@Spiral Bound Images via Creative Commons

Got a view of the lake out the back of my house. Beyond that, a low hill and then another lake. Ten thousand as you travel ā€˜round this place, so they say.

In the summer they got mud at the bottom and grass on the edges. Wintertime freezes them over and the kids slide across their tops.

Many, though none of the ones I can see from my rear window, have docks and little boats that sit on top. Some, like mine, hold secrets down at the soft bottoms.

Iā€™ve been married thirty-eight years next spring. My wife is a loving and hardworking woman, if a little plain and dull.

Sixteen years ago I met a lady who was everything my wife is not: glamorous and lazy; distant and exciting. She lit up my life, for a time.

Thing is, no one threatens Wally Cobb. Iā€™m a family man. You donā€™t threaten my family. That lady didnā€™t see things my way. She was always looking down on me.

Now I look out at the lake behind my house.

And Iā€™m the one looking down.

I met a new lady. Good thing thereā€™s another lake. Beyond the low hill.

Lightning 1
azglenn via Creative Commons

Way out on the non-existent wind, off where the twilight sky is that bruising color between purple and gray, you can see the sparks. The low clouds just before dusk have a hunger, and they gnash their teeth until sparks come off. You donā€™t even have to stare too long or very hard.

We drove toward those sparking rips at a pace that might have made one think what we wanted was to light ourselves up in those arcs of static that glass the ground. Maybe if youā€™re hit just right you turn to glass yourself. But that wasnā€™t it. We had flashing blues and reds behind us, and a trunk that hung low on the axles. Fitting, I suppose, where we were headed with all that gold. First we needed to get across the Grand Canyon state, where the real canyon is between the lives lived by those who only watch the lightning sparking on the horizon on hot autumn nights, and those who live in pursuit of hungry clouds and intimidating sunsets.

The road blazed past; we heard harmonicas on the radio; we pretended the roadblock wasnā€™t just ahead. It helped to watch the sparks.

lock
Donald Townsend via Creative Commons

Ah, there you are. Come on, sit down. Sure, anywhere is fine. Shoo the cat if you need to; thatā€™s it, just move that stack of papers. Not sure why I hang on to all that old stuff anyway. Pardon the dust, we donā€™t get many visitors here. Tea? Biscuit? Water? No?

Now. Then. Letā€™s see it.

Mercy, where are my manners? Forgive me, Iā€™ve waited so longā€¦ Please.

Oop! Careful there. Yes. Unwrap it slowly. I know it feels solid and sturdy, but itā€™s surprisingly delicate.

Ah.

ā€¦

Oh, there I go. Iā€™m dreadfully sorry. Iā€”

For heavenā€™s sake, Iā€™m such a mess. Excuse me, itā€™s just a handkerchief I need, please give me a moment.

All right. Do pardon me. I hadnā€™t expected to be so overcome. But it is beautiful, isnā€™t it? I havenā€™t seen it in so long. Suchā€¦ a longā€¦ time.

ā€¦

Well, thatā€™s quite a question! Might as well ask my age, mightnā€™t you? Never mind when.

ā€¦

Whatā€™s that now? A reward?

Ho ho ho. Yes. Haruum. I think we can find somethingā€¦ suitable.

Give me one moment.

ā€¦

Ha! Found it.

Oh no. Donā€™t try to run. The door is locked, Iā€™m afraid.

Now.

Hold still.