Brothers and sisters of the toy shelves! Collected assemblage of the gaming rig! Members of the tchotchke army! Behold your master and heed my words!

Long have we toiled together, bathed in light from liquid crystal glow. We have saved countless realms, fought hordes together, we have spilled blood and ink and petabytes of data to catalog and protect distant, alien lands. Remember the dice we’ve lost; the disks and video cards that sacrificed themselves; the books and comics drowned in the Flood of Mountain’s Dew only two years gone. Hold their selfless acts in your hearts my faithful, for today we face a new challenge, and today we see the rise of our most feared opponent.

Though its agents of change and chaos (mom) come mercilessly, I know that together we can prevail. We face a great journey, trusted friends, one from which you may not all emerge intact. But take heart! For most of you shall find new lives on the other side, beyond the veil of eBay. And one day, when I transcend to the next plateau, we shall be reunited in that hated land, that Mordor to our Shire, together once again…

In REAL LIFE!

Amen.